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Trust The Man script

[Child] I need help!

- I'll go. - [Baby] Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,

Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Dad'll be right back.

Daddy's not leaving, honey. He's just helping your brother in the bathroom.

It's okay, Hey, look at that!

What's going on?

I'm trying to poop, but I can't.

Just relax, David. Don't work so hard.

But my stomach hurts. I had to burp, but I need to poop.

Well, sometimes ifyou just sit there, a fart will just work its way out.

Who said anything about a fart?

[ Woman ] Honey! The Terminixguyis fiinished,

A fart's just as good as a burp, David, sometimes even better.

A fart, a burp or a poop.

- [ Clears Throat ] What am I talking about? - [ Man ] Mr, Ponson,,,

- you have a problem. - Fantastic,

[ David] Here it comes!

[ Chattering On TV]

I gotta bring these galleys I proofed into work today.

Shouldn't your boss be proofin' those?

Yeah, she should, but she's behind for maternity leave...

so I'm covering for her.

So much for taking the job soyou can work on your book.

Anyway, it would be great ifyou could drive me.

- Oh, sweetie, I can't. Today is Monday. - So?

Well, alternate side is in efifiect, so I gotta move the car,

- I nto another parking spot? - Yeah.

You're not going to drive me because you have to park the car on the other side of the street?

Well, you're oversimplifying it now.

How's that? You only use the car when you need to drive it 1 0 feet...

- into a legal parking spot, - If I'm lucky.

That doesn't make any sense!

Look, ifwe're not gonna use it, will you just sell it?

I like knoWing it's there,

Booyah! Bam! Bam!

Mmm. Right. So ifthere's an emergency, we always have a way out of Manhattan.

Well, you laugh now, but that thing is fully equipped.

Tobey, you've got two bottles ofwater in there and four PowerBars.

How far is that gonna get us?

The car has special meaning to me. Can you deal with that?

Why?

Look, ifiyou must knoW,,,

the first time I saw you, I was in that car.

- Fine. - [ keysjangle ]

I'll take a cab.

[ Passes Wind ]

- I gotta go. - All right, baby.

- Later. - [ Man On TV] What, areyou kiddin'me?

[ WaterTrickles ]

Okay, so it sounds like everything's goin' good.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I mean, there's still all the same old issues.

What are those? What are the same oldissues?

- Well, you know, like no sex. - Well, that's your issue.

- [Ponson ] I'dsaythat's ourissue, - [ Woman ] No, I'm just not,,,

a sex maniac like you are.

I'm not a maniac. I just like it.

[ Softly] Twice a day.

[ Ponson ] What is that look supposed to mean?

It's not like I'm saying I like to kill babysquirrels, I like to have sex,

- Always from behind. - Now, that is a lie.

- That's a lie, - [ Woman ] You knoW it is not, Tom,

You know, sometimes I would just like to look at you.

Maybe you'd have more luck ifyou did something a little more romantic.

The onlyWayto approachyou is firom behind becauseyourback's alWays turned to me,

I'm reading. I just like to have a minute to myselfwithout you pawing at me all day.

Well, fiorgive me ifil Want to touch myWifie,

Here's what I think. I think, if I may say...

we could get a lot more work done ifyou'd come in more than once a year.

Would you think about it?

- We'll think about it. - Yeah.

Would you- And, Tom...

Iisten to Rebecca and don't- don't paw at her.

And just give her some space, okay?

And Rebecca, think about having sex with Tom.

[ Whispers ] Possibly doggy style.

Okay?

And I have your cell numbers, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Therapy always makes me so horny.

Did he actually say 揹oggy style"?

Yeah. I knew I liked that guy.

- I gotta go. - Mmm. No.

Tom, I have rehearsal. Don't suck my face off.

Did I tell you I had a dream last night thatyou gave me a blow job?

Yeah. I had a dream that I gaveyou a German shepherd.

Unhand me. And remember, you're picking up David from school...

and we need milk.

I know. It's my new life- househusband.

Hey, dude. You asked for it.

[Man ] Yo, Miss Pollack, Rebecca, Yo!

Come on, Rebecca, Just give us a couple ofipictures!

※[ Hip-hop Folk ]

[ Typing ]

[ Timer Dings ]

[ Honking ]

[ Conti nues Honking ]

- Yeah, you leavin'? - You wish!

- Blow me, dickhead! - [ Tires Screech ]

??[ Continues, Indistinct]

- Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold. - [ Phone Rings ]

- Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold. - [ Phone Rings ]

Megan Sweetlander's office. May I help you?

- Hey, it's me. - Oh, God.

- I'm swamped here. - Oh, just hang up on them all.

[ Phone Rings ]

- [ Ringing Stops ] - I did it.

Oh, my God. I was kidding!

-Jesus, that felt good. - Hey, doyou think I'm crazy?

Not compared to other actresses, no.

How often do you and my brother have sex?

Satisfying sex orjust sex?

- Oh, say no more. - I try to, but he won't listen.

Ha-ha.

You know, we have good-

We have good sex. Sometimes.

- [ Woman ] Elaine! - Um, I really gotta go.

Do you everworry that Tobey'll cheat on you?

Onlywith his therapist. I'm hanging up.

Uh, unfortunately, we do not accept unsolicited manuscripts.

- You never have time for me any- - Thankyou.

- [ Woman ] Elaine. - Yes.

[ Singsong ] 揂 curveball is the speed ofthe air...

- moving fast"- - [ Cell Phone Plays Tune ]

- [ Cries ] - Hey.

Hey, I'm just reading your article on wrist injuries in older pitchers.

That's fascinating stuff.

Yep. I really blew the lid off carpal tunnel syndrome.

- [ Crying ] - Well, at leastyou have a job.

When Rebecca asked what I was doing this morning, I said 搕he usual."

You think she knew that meant breakfast,jerk off, nap, late lunch?

Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have quit advertising.

As I remember, you hated it, felt empty and hollow...

worthless, void of meaning, purposeless-

Any ofthis ring a bell?

It might be better than this. I'm beginning to feel like a kept boy.

- Only I don't know what I'm being kept for. - Sex?

Sure, ifyou're up for it. Rebecca's not.

That's weird. She slept with everyone in high school.

And even when we do have sex...

it's- it's like she's not adventurous anymore.

Cottage cheese.

It's like she used her sexual adventurousness to lure me in, and she's just normal.

She's just normal. Mommy's just normal!

I guess you hoped it'd be more like marrying a hooker, huh?

Yeah. Except without the payment though.